my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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