I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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