You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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