No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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