How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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