Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
