I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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