I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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