don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
