Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
