When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
