Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
