ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
