Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
