nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
