I just threw up on my dentist
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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