Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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