yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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