Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
