that's an acceptable place to lick
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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