I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
