she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
