i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
