I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
