The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
