You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
