someone get that fucking seahorse.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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