If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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