Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Welp...herpes.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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