so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
