They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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