So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
