dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
