i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
