And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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