i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
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What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
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The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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