i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
