Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
