my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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