Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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