and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
