I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
