Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
do herpes really smell.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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