Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
