I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
It was confusing and full of hummus
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
