i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
