Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
