So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
