Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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