I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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