I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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