he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
