there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
