i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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