i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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